I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
