Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
