Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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