Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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