Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
