Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
