I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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