I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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