remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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