Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
