I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
