After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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