Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
