you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
