I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
