and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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