There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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