sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
50% drunk capacity currently
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
