That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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