Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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