I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
