You made me cry and you don't even care
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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