she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
