From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
