Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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