life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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