Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
