Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
