Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
