i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just found puke in my bra..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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