I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
