i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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