I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
