So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
