He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
