I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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