It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
