my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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