Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
