I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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