remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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