I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Randomize