And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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