somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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