there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
