I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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