Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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