I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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