I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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