that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
