my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
