my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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