just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i used baking grease as lip gloss
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
